Transformation Frustrations

Since I started this blog, many of my posts have been about celebrating my achievements and maintaining optimism. I'm going to level with y'all. This ongoing transformation process has been HARD. It's not always sunshine and rainbows - though the sunshine and rainbows usually peek through right when I need them.

I started on this (what I believe is final) journey to better health through weight loss nearly five months ago with a visit to the doctor for my annual physical - and to talk about bariatric surgery options. My doctor is a former Olympic-trained gymnast, and she wouldn't even broach the subject with me. She told me I needed to try harder on my own to lose weight by changing my diet and exercising more, and that she believed I could do it. So far, I have to admit she was right. I just didn't know I had it in me.

I want to take this opportunity to share some frustrations I've had throughout the process. Mind you, I'm still plugging along on the journey, but these are things I've recognized thus far. Maybe you've been trying to lose weight or maybe you know someone else who can use this reality check. Here we go...

1. The numbers on the scale don't decrease fast enough. Confession: I've struggled with an unhealthy relationship with my scale. Those numbers hold power over me sometimes. Your value and ability is not predicted by the numbers on the scale. Pound for pound, muscle and fat weigh the same, but muscle takes up less volume. Even if the weight isn't going down, I know all of the squats, clean and jerks, kettlebell swings, wall balls, ring rows, rowing, thrusters, etc., aren't for naught.
2. It's possible to stop losing weight (and even gain weight) if you're not eating ENOUGH. This defied all logic for me. Eat less = weigh less, right? Kind of. It's more about eating the right things, in the right quantities, for the work your body is doing on a daily basis. If you're just starting out with weight loss and aren't following something like Paleo or The Zone, use a calorie counter and be honest about your quantities. You'll be amazed at how much healthy food you can eat for 1300-1500 calories (not a recommendation - just an example). According to my doctor, eating less than 1200 calories a day can send your body into starvation mode, which occurs when your body begins storing calories instead of burning them - survival mode.
3. Success requires getting rid of your triggers - food-wise and emotionally. Whether it's plantain chips or ice cream, or a "friend" who makes you feel inferior, the negative influences or crutches will cause you to struggle. Transformation is a 360-degree process. You have far more to gain from losing the weight.
4. Wardrobe shrinkage. I had a huge wardrobe in sizes 20-24. Now, I'm down to probably 15 total dresses/pants/shorts/tops that I can wear without looking frumpy. This a huge deal to me. Anyone who knows me knows that I love clothing and accessories, and to me, the more, the merrier in my closet. EVEN MY SHOES ARE TOO BIG. Thanks to a great friend, I've discovered the beauty of shopping the sales and shopping at Clothes Mentor (and trying everything on. Huge deal for me.)
5. Feeling successful and not getting the reactions. I know, it's petty, but I hate working so hard without the reaction. I wish the process wasn't so public sometimes - kind of like those crazy weight loss shows - so that I could see more drastic reactions to losing 45 lbs (so far) and getting my muscle definition started. This week finally seemed to be the time that people took notice of the changes to my body, and I was ecstatic and encouraged by their comments. I know I sound very egotistical...oops.
6. Not being able to work out when I want to, all the time. Of course this wasn't how I was feeling back through about March, but now I get upset when work gets in the way, or if I have to travel, or if I have something come up on my schedule that causes me to miss a WOD. Working out - constantly challenging myself - has become a habit and a part of who I am. So, I make time to work out 4-6 times a week.
7. The continued lack of attention from men. I know this sounds silly, crazy and utterly sad, but what does a woman need to do to get a date these days? I've been alone for almost a year and a half. I know I don't have a smokin' hot bod quite yet, but I did locate a six-pack the other day...to be revealed later this year (if all continues to go well)...and I am smart and funny. I also like to think that I'm kind of pretty. That is all. (P.S., any advice?)
8. Feeling "blah" after enjoying a few old "friends." And by friends I mean anything that contains gluten/grain, dairy products, or sugar. Temporary joy now equals temporary agony in the form of bloating, swelling, headaches, and/or gastrointestinal issues.
9. My name is Lauren. Not Laura. (This has nothing to do with weight loss but I decided to vent anyway...)
10. I don't look the same. Not that it's a problem, but it is kind of frustrating to look back at old pictures (just wait for the Throwback Thursday this week) and realize I could have looked so much better - and felt so much better - many years ago if I had only taken control sooner.

Have I told you before that I'm a list person? It's genetic, and therapeutic. Thanks for letting me share with you!

To close...a thought from A.A. Milne via Christopher Robin (such a philosopher, that guy) that became my theme for 2013-2014:

Overcoming obstacles - and overwhelmed by success at 57:13

 (PHOTO CREDITS: All photos courtesy of Mary Ewen. Instagram and Twitter: @maryyouwin)

This past Friday night, I joined my CrossFit family for my very first 5K - a trail run/walk on the hiking trails of the National Whitewater Center. Just six months ago, I never dreamed of being able to do any sort of 5K. Though I had helped others affix a bib to their clothing before, I never dreamed of wearing one myself. My body was in a constant state of rest and laziness when it came to anything fitness-related. But, with the progress I've made through CrossFit and the encouragement of my CrossFit family, I registered for the race about a week in advance - and promptly began regretting that decision.

My self-doubting voice kept saying things like:

"You're still fat. You think you can handle THIS?"

"It's going to take you forever to finish. What if you get lost in the woods?"

"There's no way you're ready for this."

But, with my friends' support, I silenced those voices. After achieving two PRs on Thursday night (95-lb front squats during the regular WOD and 95-lb squat clean and jerks during Oly class), I felt readier than ever to tackle the 5K. I also had been assured that a number of my friends would be waiting for me at the finish line to cheer me to success - no matter how long it took me.

And then the race began on level ground that quickly turned into twists, turns, steep inclines and declines, rocks, roots, snakes (*shudder*), bugs and the land of dehydration. It quickly became a mind game, especially after the first and second miles seemed to take forever (Side note: You can only swallow so much of your saliva to stave off thirst. Be prepared with a hydration pack or belt.). However, Dawn (a CF family member - in the foreground (pink shirt) of the second picture) stayed by my side the entire race to push me and help me along. She even helped to smash cramping calves and tense shoulders, and assured me that this was likely the hardest 5K I'll ever do thanks to the terrain changes. I don't think I could have fought past the negative voices without her there - and I'm sure there are more races in my future.

In the last quarter-mile of the race, I was so motivated by thirst and the cheers from afar that when I saw the clearing, I got a second wind and ran the last bit through the finish line. I realized that after more than three miles, I am capable of anything that I put my mind to. I have turned my life around from a lifestyle of depression and laziness to a lifestyle of activity and health. I collapsed to my knees after I crossed the finish line not because I was sore, dehydrated and tired (though I was), but because I was overcome by thankfulness and the emotion of finishing something I never thought I could. I've been surrounded by people who believe I can and who encourage me to achieve my goals, no matter how stubborn I am - such a difference from where I was previously.

I finished that race in less than an hour - 57:13 - and while it's not as fast as most people, I wasn't the last to finish and my time was better than I expected it to be, considering I can barely run 400m at a time. God gave me the ability, strength and determination to do more than I had ever imagined. 57:13 will stick in my mind forever as a reminder that I can do anything I put my mind to - and to never shut out the positive influences in my life.

Celebrating and meditating - 45 pounds gone!

Today I'm celebrating 45 pounds lost since December 4, 2013. I wish I could sit here and write about just how easy it's been, but it has been ridiculously hard. As I've mentioned before, I couldn't have done it, or continue to do it, without having an incredible support system, or a positive attitude.

It’s truly empowering when you finally realize just how much stronger and healthier you've become. Over the past few months, I've learned the value of recognizing non-scale victories as my journey continues. I made a list of some "duh" ones and some that were totally unexpected for me. Fans and friends, I present the top 12 (I know, should be 10, but I'm weird like that) ways I’ve realized that I’m dropping the pounds and getting stronger:

1. The bath towel fits all the way around my body after my shower (no kidding – so cozy!).
2. A skirt I wore just three weeks ago, comfortably, can now only fit comfortably when I put my arm in the waistband…yeah, the days of wearing that skirt are over.
3. Most mornings require at least an hour to get ready simply because I have to put on three different outfits to ensure I don’t look like I’m slumming it in oversized dress clothes.
4. Deadlifting my 70-pound dog on and off the bed is EASY.
5. I really CAN carry all of the groceries up the stairs and into the apartment in one trip.
6. None of my undergarments fit. Seriously. Who knew tights and underwear could become too big?! Let’s not even talk about the bra collection…grr.
7. Almost every day, I get so excited to see muscle definition that I *may or may not* tell someone to just “feel it” when I flex my biceps. Annoying, I know. But awesome. Also, I’m fascinated by my now-visible clavicles and the little “dents” appearing around my ankles and wrists.
8. After years of snubbing consignment shops, I’m learning that they are a pretty good option for shopping while losing weight. $14 blazer that was originally at least $75? Don’t mind if I do.
9. I've learned that I can start shopping again at "normal" (read: not fat lady) stores. My new shorts are from New York & Company.
10. My fingers, hands, and wrists are getting bonier by the day. I bought a beautiful amethyst ring for myself around Christmas last year, and at the time, the ring fit perfectly on my size 7 ½ right-ring finger. Now, I have to wear it on the middle finger because it’s at least one full size, if not one-and-a-half sizes, too big. Also, my parents bought me a Citizen watch for Christmas, and I had to have two links taken out when I bought that ring – and now I need at least 3 more removed.
11. When I went to Paris and London, I actually fit comfortably in the airplane seats.
12. On April 17, the WOD included weighted step-ups and hang snatches. I started by modifying to 45 pounds of weight, and used only a 12” box for my step-ups instead of 20”, because there was no way I could get up on the 20” box with that extra 45 pounds of weight. Epiphany: There was no way I could get up on the 20” box with that extra 45 pounds of weight. I’ve been doing step-ups on 20” boxes now for a couple months. How crazy is that? If I hadn’t lost that extra 45 pounds, there’s probably no way I could step on a 20” box. I also was throwing the 45 pounds above my head during the hang snatches (pretty high reps), and was floored by how difficult they were. Wow. I’m pretty much in awe of the changes that have occurred in just a little over four months - it's so encouraging to write this out.

 

If you're working to lose weight, get healthy, and build up your strength, I encourage you to invest in yourself. Eat right (avoid grains and processed sugars, and drink plenty of water). Challenge yourself with exercise (Walking isn't really exercise...IMHO). Make sure you're getting enough sleep. If you want to weigh yourself (I know I do), try to weigh yourself only once a week at the same time, wearing the same clothing (or none, if that's your thing). Recognize that body weight fluctuates constantly throughout the day, and that you must work hard and sacrifice things to succeed, whether it's your so-called "favorite" foods, time with friends, or making sure your house is pristine. Eventually, all of that work and sacrifice will start paying off when you recognize the non-scale victories.

One month Paleo check-in! (Size DOES matter)

Ladies and gents, I realized tonight that I've been following Paleo for about a month now (give or take my adventures abroad), and decided to check my progress. I'm extremely excited to share that...

I'm down 16 INCHES all over my body since March 5. (Jaw. Dropped. When I calculated that!) Now, my detail-oriented personality took over when I first measured myself so I took measurements on just about everything...except my hands and feet. Neck, bust, upper arms, waist, hips, thighs, calves...yup.)

I've lost 3 1/2 inches in my hips, 2 1/4 in my waist, 1 in my bust (sad story!) and 2 off each of my thighs...in just a month.

I'm lighter today than I was when I first joined that nationally-recognized weight loss program in 2008! Woo hoo!

In January, I was a size 22-24. Today I'm a solid 18 (and can't wait to shop in regular stores again). I'm starting to run out of clothing that fits, and am now on a tight budget. So, adequate warning - I may recycle pieces day to day a la French women. Yes, they will be clean. Yes, I'll change up the accessories. But please give me some grace if you notice a recycled outfit!

And finally...I fit comfortably in the airplanes during my trip. It's one of those things I had on the list of why I wanted to lose weight, and check! What a huge relief!

I never imagined that after struggling through other programs previously that is see so much progress in such a short time combining CrossFit and Paleo. Since February 2013 (just over a year ago), I've lost about 55 lbs - and 35 of that has been lost since I began CrossFit in January.

As I've been preaching all along, having the right support system, the right timing and the right tools are essential to realizing success. I know CrossFit and/or Paleo isn't for everyone - but it's working for me and I'm excited to share my successes with you. I'll try to post some pictures later this week if I gain the courage to share the "ugly body" photos with the world.

Thanks for coming along for the ride!

Lauren

Lauren's European Vacation (and Business Trip)

(Disclaimer: I'm writing this still feeling a little tired and dealing with seasonal allergies, so I'm not really being mindful of grammar.)

I know things have been a little quiet for the past week or so, but that's because, as my friends and family know, I was out of the country for work (Paris) and vacation (London).

I've been to Paris a few times for work, but this most recent trip provided a different opportunity, as I've never gone to Paris while watching how I eat. Thanks to my CrossFit family, I had plenty of Paleo snacks with me on the plane -- poached chicken (made at home, then froze for preservation), baby carrots, plantain chips, Larabars (Cherry Pie - whoa!), banana, apple, cashews -- that being said, I was successful in following Paleo during 17 hours in airports and in planes.

But, after my first meal in town, I was relegated to conference meals that provided very limited Paleo-friendly food options. I tried to stick as closely to Paleo as possible, but I had to make some sacrifices. The sacrifices were made 1) because of the language barrier (I dare you to try to tell a French person that you don't eat bread or cheese) and 2) I didn't have many options. Yes, I ate a croissant (a must in Paris). Yes, I ate a small piece of dark chocolate galette. Yes, I drank good French wine (with the Germans). Yes, I ate four bites of a nutella-banana crepe. Terrible sacrifices, I know. And, frankly, I felt them.

On Thursday, my friend and I took the train up to London for a long weekend vacation. I thought it would be easier to follow Paleo in London, but, boy, was I wrong. It was even harder to follow Paleo in London, even without a language barrier. The main cuisines of London are based on comfort food and pub food, and we enjoyed what they offered. Potatoes were everywhere - in pasties, with fish, alongside a shoulder of venison. However, we walked a lot - probably about 3-5 miles a day - and used the Tube to go longer distances. Helpful hint: If you ever go to London, bring your walking shoes, even if you only use them for going from check-in at Heathrow to your departure gate. Also, you may want to bring a water bottle that you can carry anywhere with you. Free water is hard to come by (and so are free public toilets, but that's another issue. Hydrate!)!

One thing I learned from traveling abroad this time around is just how much better I feel when I'm eating right. I came back from my trip feeling (and looking) bloated and sluggish. I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose any more, either. Even though poor food choices are delicious sometimes, I've restarted my Paleo adventures since returning and am already starting to feel better! I just made a pretty delicious Paleo Banana Bread recipe to have on-hand for breakfasts the rest of the week (accompanied with protein, of course).

I'm so glad I returned to CrossFit right away. I didn't get to complete the 14.5 CrossFit Open WOD, but I eased back in with "the Chief" and did better than I expected. I'm dealing with some delayed-onset muscle soreness, but I know I'll get used to the good soreness again in a few days. I'm so glad to be back to my routine with the support of my CrossFit family!

My story

I’ve heard and read many comments lately about how "amazing" or "inspiring" my journey has been, or how proud people are of me. I’m going to be real with y’all. My success thus far has been a delicate formula of hard work (including a lot of sweat, tears and Tiger Balm), willpower, the strength of my support system, and my commitment to making myself a better person in every way.

Most people that I know these days have known me for less than a few years, so I think it’s time to share my story. I want to tell you how important it is to be in the right place, at the right time, and in the right mindset, to be successful. Changing your life isn’t an easy task.

(Fair warning: I’m a detail person, so this post will be a little long.)

I wasn’t always a fat kid. I inherited my dad’s sturdy figure, but wasn’t fat. I started playing sports at a young age, starting with tee-ball/softball, tennis and volleyball. During family gatherings, my cousins and I would always play some sort of sprint-based, made-up game (usually called “STAR”), and I never sat in front of a videogame to “spend time” with family. I felt at home on ball fields and gym floors (but I hated gym class). I injured my knee playing sports and stopped playing on teams after my freshman year of high school. Pathetic, I know, and it also caused me to go into depression.

Depressed, I kept eating like an athlete, but my already slow metabolism skidded to a near halt. During the rest of high school, I went from a size 10 to a size 14/16. I later figured out that I am, most definitely, an emotional eater.

I moved away from Michigan for college. I went to Liberty University in small-town Lynchburg, Va., and spent my first two years living on campus and my final two years off campus. Those were the days before eating local, organic, or “clean” were even in our vocabulary. Questionable pierogies? I probably ate them a few times a week. Sonic? A couple times a week. McDonald’s? Rotated on and off with Sonic. Chinese food from the place next to the weird pet store? Once a month. I’m sure you get the point – I ate CRAP. My sophomore and junior years I was on the newspaper staff, where crazy deadlines and socializing led to even more eating. Over the course of four years, I went from a size 14/16 to a size 18. My final semester of college, I met the man who would become my husband (and eventually my ex-husband).

I first joined a nationally-recognized weight loss program in 2009, during my first year of marriage and within six months of my grandmother’s passing. The company brought a consultant to our office for weekly meetings. Due to work obligations, I stopped participating after a few weeks. Over the next four years, I’d join the program about five more times, each time letting life get in the way, or getting frustrated when I’d hit a plateau that I couldn’t overcome.  I learned a lot through that program, but I couldn’t sustain my success over the long term. At my very heaviest, I was a size 24.

My world as I knew it fell apart near the end of 2012, when my marriage hit the fan. Tensions had ben building for quite some time, but we weren’t communicating. Drowning in the “whys,” I turned to my old friends, Oreos, pizza, ice cream and McDonald’s. Though I had been in a size 20/22, I ballooned back up to 24 in no time.

In late January 2013, I was presented with the opportunity for a promotion and relocation to Charlotte through my company. I moved here officially on April 27, 2013, able to count the number of friends I already had here on one hand. I'm a hybrid extrovert and introvert, and became pretty depressed within the first six months after moving when most evenings were spent at home with my dog and cat. I was actively trying to make friends, but it took about six months to really feel accepted. My weight had been fluctuating again, and, depressed because I’d left everything and everyone I’d known over the past 10 years, I ate and went back up to a 24 again.

When I first moved, one of my only friends, especially in the vicinity of the suburb I moved to, was a friend from elementary school who was (and is) dating a CrossFit coach. Over the course of the next few weeks, I met another person at work (let’s call him Hulk Smash) who would eventually become like a brother to me – and was a CrossFit coach. I mentioned this interesting trend to my mom one day, and I’ll never forget her reminding me, “Well, maybe God put them there for a reason.”

I gave CrossFit a chance within my first couple months of living in the area and completed an initial workout. I was so ridiculously sore for the next 4 days that I swore I’d never do CrossFit again. And then, I tried it somewhere else after Hulk Smash’s fiancée (who since we met, had become a good friend) asked me to do CrossFit 101 with her starting in January 2014. The thing about CrossFit is that it’s all about your mindset. I ended up LOVING it (as you, no doubt, can tell).

Allow me to backtrack a little bit. In December, I went to a new doctor for an annual physical and, because I had become so frustrated by my size, I went fully prepared to talk about bariatric surgery options. I had told myself that I couldn’t do it without drastic medical intervention – and I’ve learned now that those thoughts were limitations placed by myself. My doctor wasn’t even willing to discuss surgery, but challenged me to change the way I ate and focus on eating lots of lean meat/poultry, fish, veggies, fruit, and whole grains, with cheat days on Saturdays. She also put me on a prescription medication for 8 weeks that would help me boost my weight loss.

I followed my doctor’s advice, and between mid-December and mid-February, I lost about 15 pounds. For whatever reason, CrossFit made me realize that I have control over my body, and it’s only me that provides limitations. I began my quest to truly gain control through better health and strength in January, and I’m glad to report I’ve been more successful now than ever. I’m currently a size 18/20 (and almost totally out of 20!) – I have lost about 30 pounds since mid-December 2013. It’s not just the fitness efforts that are making the difference; how I eat makes a huge difference. I feel better than I have in ages now that I’m not eating (or drinking) grains, lactose products, legumes, refined sugars or anything artificial.

All of that being said, that’s only the tip of the iceberg. There are so many more things that I could share, but I’ll save those for personal conversations. I want to share with you the six main things I’ve learned so far through this journey:

1. You have to be willing to put yourself, and your health, first.
2. You must have a strong support system in place (see my last post).
3. I make the choice of what goes into my body and what I do with my body. No one forces cake down your throat against your will (usually).
4. Progress is progress! Whether you’re marking success by the number of days you’ve gone without a Starbucks beverage, by how much you can lift, or by how long you can run, every step forward is just that – a step forward.
5. Don't just measure your success by using the scale. Take some measurements and measure yourself on a planned schedule (I'm measuring once a month).
6. Looking back, I didn’t realize that losing the weight of an unhealthy marriage would mean more success at losing my body weight – until recently. What’s holding you back? 

I found myself when I lost him. First, I lost that 300 pounds. Now, I’m working to lose my 100 and be the strong, capable woman that I’ve always been. (P.S., I’m about 30% of the way there!)

Cheers!

Lauren

(I'm an open book, most of the time, so please feel free to comment with any questions or whatnot.)

^^^Wise words from Hulk Smash - I look at these every day!^^^

With a little help from my friends (Post #1 about support systems)

Hello, folks. I love The Beatles, and the other day after a WOD, I couldn't stop repeating the line, "I get by with a little help from my friends."

You see, Thursday was a rough day right from the start, and after work, I went to CrossFit to do the WOD and hopefully expend my frustration from work. The WOD consisted of kettlebell (KB) swings, walking lunges (which I still have to modify to stationary…but I'm getting there!) and double-unders (I've still only done two in my entire life. Coordination is not my strong suit. Yet.). As other athletes zipped through the workout, I battled myself the entire way. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. But, a couple things happened that helped build my confidence along the way.

1. One of my coaches encouraged me to finally use the Rx KB weight for the WOD. I used it for the first two and a half rounds, which surprised me. I then had to switch to a 12kg KB, but guess what? I still got a workout in, and mostly with the Rx weight - a huge achievement for me. (Remember what I said a couple weeks ago about remembering the small things? Case in point.)
2. CrossFit really is a community. Even though I didn't finish the workout, I had people right next to me, cheering me on to a strong finish after they completed the WOD. With every painful lunge, with every labored breath -- their encouragement spurred me on until the time limit.I only worked through the time cap because I had that extra encouragement from my fellow athletes.

And today, I have to give an extra shout-out to one of the other coaches for encouraging me through the 14.3 CrossFit Open WOD -- and helping me reach a deadlift personal record along the way.

My coaches and fellow athletes have become an integral part of my support system as I continue to ensure 2014 is my year. Whether it's with diet, exercise or otherwise, it's impossible to make big changes in life without a support system. Humans weren't created to do everything alone -- don't follow my stubborn lead and try to go it alone first. If you want to make big changes, get the right people alongside you first, and set your mind to it. If I can do it, anyone can!