I can’t believe that summer will end officially in less than
a week. I know most people bid adieu around Labor Day, but I’m a die-hard “real
Autumn” fan (September 23, baby!). I’m also pretty sure I inadvertently took a summer vacation from
my blogging…
Over the summer, I only lost about another five pounds,
bringing my total lost to 60 pounds and getting me to my pre-wedding weight.
After much introspection, I realize I became frustrated, let fear take the
steering wheel, and used food to cope with change and reward myself. I
sabotaged my own success with four “F” words - frustration, fear and food - and
as a result, I still have about 45 pounds to lose to get to where I want to be.
Frustration
So why did I get frustrated? I stopped seeing progress on
the scale. Why did I stop seeing progress on the scale? I have many theories
about this, but it all comes back to attitude. I had a lot of negative things
happen following the last blog post, and struggled to see the positives. I let
my negative attitude take over everything – including my commitment to health
and strength. I felt very alone, even though I was supposed to be part of the
CrossFit community. I also let myself be so severely affected by some changes
to my routine that I just let things spin out of control.
When I was about to re-commit to CrossFit 4-5 times a week,
I had a night out on the town with friends during which my lack of coordination
reared its ugly head as I exited the dance floor. Graceful little me fell and sprained my
ankle/foot. Based on my last sprain (which had a much cooler CrossFit story)
and how that took forever to heal, I made the conscious decision to take at
least one week, if not longer, off to allow my ankle/foot to heal. The day
before I returned to CrossFit, I was multitasking in the kitchen and forgot a
panhandle 10 minutes out of the oven would be hot. I ended up with a
second-degree burn in the crease of my palm on my right hand. One injury was
frustrating, and a second was doubly so. Especially since I am the only one to
blame for both injuries.
Fear
I hit my pre-wedding weight in August, with exactly 60
pounds lost. I finally shifted into a size 16. And I got comfortable. I don’t
remember ever being lighter than that weight, or smaller than that size, in
what I consider my adult life. I then realized that I had so much more weight
left to lose. As I so often do, I started overthinking it, and decided to stay
in my little comfort zone at that weight. Fear set in and led to some old bad
habits.
It’s time to be real. Change excites some people; I am not
one of them. I was terrified of the unknown territory ahead. It’s amazing, yet
difficult, to process how quickly your body has changed. Seeing legitimate
muscle definition in your arms is both an a-ha moment and an “oh, crap” moment.
Feeling the muscles in your legs can have the same effect. And comparing old
pictures with current pictures can just send your brain right into overdrive. I
see newer pictures and think, “Who is that woman?” Of course, it’s me. But in
some ways, I feel my identity has changed. When I changed my name in August, I
had to get a new drivers license picture. My last drivers license picture was
taken in February. I don’t look the same! Yes, it’s a good thing, but it’s also
scary. What will I look like when I lose the rest of the weight? I want to be
strong, but will I still look like me?
Food
Ah, my favorite four-letter “F” word. I think I’ve mentioned
previously that I struggled with emotional eating. Between the frustration and
the fear, I was in a precarious position – and I couldn’t figure out how to eat
“paleo” while allowing some non-paleo foods without going crazy. I very
literally fed my frustration and fear.
Celebrations mean good eating, right? I think I created
opportunities to celebrate so I could “let go” with some license. Labor Day
weekend was a crapshoot diet-wise. I celebrated my name change, distracted
myself from my divorce and wedding date (same day, evil judge…), kicked off the
“unofficial” end of summer with friends, and ate pretty poorly.
Playing with “Blocks”
So, what’s next? Well, I’m getting back on the proverbial
wagon on the journey to health and strength. I may not follow a strictly paleo
lifestyle, but I have some help from my CrossFit coaches to help rebalance my
hormones and blood sugars through a Zone approach (hence the “blocks”). (NOTE:
I despise measuring and weighing food. It’s tedious. It’s far too detailed for
my taste. But I’m giving it a shot for at least two weeks. Here's hoping for results that make the details worth it!) I’ll be starting
that adventure on Saturday. Next week, I’ll be back at CrossFit a minimum of
four times a week (and hopefully five times most weeks).
If you’re on a journey of change, too, know this – you can
only be successful if you are ready to embrace the change with your whole being
– mind, heart, soul and body. I’ve found, for me, it’s necessary to recalibrate
on occasion. As unproductive as it may be, sometimes I need to be burnt by the
fire and given a chance to rise out of the ashes. It’s a constant journey of
renewal, and one that shouldn’t be taken alone.
I’ll close with this thought: “I never said it would be
easy. I only said it would be worth it.” – Mae
West
