Every word in this
post is true and slightly sarcastic (only slightly).
I weighed myself today for the first time in nearly a month
and was absolutely devastated to find out that I gained back 10 pounds in less than
one month – even while working out three plus days per week (most weeks).
Here’s how I did it:
- Try ZONE for two days, then come down with the stomach flu and never want to eat that quantity of food ever again. Then, weigh yourself and get worried about losing an extra five pounds in five days because the only things you could eat safely were saltines, chicken broth and Gatorade. Once you’re out of the woods, start carb-loading to regain that weight and energy. Sandwiches? Yes. French fries? Of course. Cookies? Eat the whole batch. In three days.
- Let your stress take control. Don’t even think of relieving your work stress by taking care of yourself. Eat whatever the heck you want, how much you want, when you want to eat it. Drink what you want, too!
- Be lazy about breakfast. Pick up quick breakfasts at Chick-Fil-A and Dunkin’ Donuts. Oh, and make sure your breakfast order includes even more carbs than are actually necessary.
- Exhibit A: Chick-Fil-A Chicken Minis Combo with an extra side of hash browns
- Exhibit B: Dunkin’ Donuts Bagel Combo with a double-chocolate donut for dessert
- When working out, don’t expend as much energy as you should. Stay within your comfort zone. And if something comes up to take the place of your workout, it’s probably a better choice, so just do it!
- Mess up your hormones by stopping your contraceptives. You don’t need them to prevent pregnancy at this point, and your weight loss stalled when you started taking them again.
- Lie to yourself, a lot. Those pants aren’t getting tighter (they are). Your boobs aren’t magically growing (it’s not magic, it’s fat). You worked as hard as you could and left it all out on the gym floor (no, you didn’t). It’s not your fault (it is).
- Lie to others, and when they’re trying to help you, take that help as an attack on your competence as a nearly 30-year-old woman who clearly knows everything. Don’t forget to blame everyone but yourself for your lack of progress.
- Get cocky and lose sight of your goal. Get comfortable. Be proud of those PRs and don’t consider the fact that less work, less often means that you’ll lose those PRs faster than Grace (a quick WOD of 30 clean & jerks, my favorite lift). You’re fine! I promise.
Folks, I got waaaaaaay off the journey between September and
October. And it’s time to get serious again and get back on the right path. That’s
why I am committed to completing a real-deal Whole30 starting tomorrow –
October 28 – and concluding with Thanksgiving dinner. Readers, please help me. Learn from my experience. I can’t be trusted to do this alone.
