As I sit here, I'm eating a few Reese's Pieces (definitely not paleo). It's been quite some time since I posted to Kale & Kettlebells. Sure, I've been busy. But that's just an excuse. On a very real level, I'm feeling lost. I've strayed off the original path of my journey and I'm feeling really lost right now. Here, in this moment, I'm stuck in the weeds and not seeing the forest through the trees.
For the first 6 months of my journey, I was super-motivated. Some would say that I was obsessed (...true) or get annoyed by my enthusiasm. But, I didn't care and so I continued to work hard at reaching my goals. Now, just past the six-month mark, I'm frustrated and a little out of control. I've allowed my willpower and my support system to weaken significantly.
My frustrations
What has there been to be frustrated about, you may ask? I'm frustrated that my weight loss seems to have stagnated, even though I'm sweating more than I have in my entire life, 4-5 days a week. All I want is to get below 200 pounds for the first time since I was probably 18, and my doctor believes I can do it. I just haven't been feeling like I can do it lately.
For a couple weeks, I thought I had hit a plateau, and then I bought a pair of size 16 cropped jeans, which to my surprise, fit. I may not have lost weight, but I certainly slimmed down a little more. Even though a size 16 is an achievement, I'm still frustrated by seeing continued gains in the strength department while the scale stays the same. I'm a results person, and I want to see those results continue at a pretty steady pace!
I've also been feeling extremely lonely over the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I have some really great friends and a great CrossFit family. But, I'm divorced and I live alone in a suburb a little farther out from where most of my friends live in the city. I'm hoping that the events of the next couple weeks will help with this. (I'm moving into the city in a couple weeks. Let's hope I'm given more opportunities to see everyone once I live closer. I hope they actually like me and haven't just been tolerating me for these past several months.)
The loneliness has been somewhat self-inflicted. I've been in some financial turmoil recently so I've been feeling like I have to keep to myself and spend most time outside of work and the gym at home because I can't spend any money for "fun" things. I got myself into this mess and I continually feel like I'm being punished by being deprived of social activities. It is KILLING the extrovert within.
A lack of self-control
I started eating my feelings again a couple weeks ago because I didn't know how to deal with the frustration and loneliness. It started innocently enough by trying to reincorporate things into my diet (like cheese, a few grains, corn, etc.), and then advanced into cheat meals here and there and I started feeling deprived of some of the yummy things out there. Now I've gone full-blown crazy with how I'm eating. I'll be the first to admit that Chick-fil-a chicken minis are amazing at breakfast, and that I really love french fries. And don't even get me started on the pulled park nachos that are sold at the ballpark. And, as I mentioned at the start of the post, I'm eating a few Reese's Pieces.
During a conversation with a friend today (whom I respect greatly when it comes to topics of wellness, nutrition, and fitness) about this topic, he flat out told me that my personality seems to require the strict guidelines that a true Paleo lifestyle offers. I don't like tracking things I don't know how to control myself with the freedom - it's so true.
I admit, I feel worse now that I'm not watching what I'm eating so closely. I am feeling more sluggish and like I've, well, lost it. I feel like I've disappointed others, in addition to disappointing myself.
A call to action
I need your help, readers, friends, and family members. I need your encouragement and love. I need you to help me stay committed to eating well and getting to the gym, even when it's hotter than Haiti in Charlotte. I thank you for reading through my venting and for still liking me even if I complain once in a while and get a little too "real."
(Note: I've been to Haiti. It's very hot and humid.)
